You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
You left your underwear on the fireplace
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
