you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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