dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
