I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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