You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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