i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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