We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
