I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Alive.
So much puke
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Randomize