How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
