They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Two words: blizzard sex
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Randomize
