Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Randomize
