When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize