Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
