We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
