Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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