If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize