What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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