I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
