Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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