I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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