I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
