My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
