the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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