I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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