I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize