All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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