Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
