Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
