my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
