I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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