im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
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