i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
