If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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