Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
