My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
