This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize