that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
