wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
