I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize