did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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