This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
