Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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