First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
