What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
