I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
