I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
