She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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