You just made me feel so damn special
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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