I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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