I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
my shit smells like andre
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
