Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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