My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
