Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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