You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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