using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
