I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
